Hey. It’s day four of me living on this planet.

So far, I’ve given Mummy and Daddy a few sleepless nights. Honestly, I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on. I can’t regulate my emotions yet.

Sometimes I cry because I’m hungry.

Sometimes I hyperventilate, earning me the nickname “Hyperventilator.”

Sometimes I cry because I’m cold. Sometimes I cry because my diaper situation becomes what Daddy calls a “high priority incident.”

But mostly, I care about milk.

Milk is my main reward function right now.

The problem is, I don’t know how much milk I want, when I want it, or how long I’m supposed to wait for it. I just know I love latching onto Mummy, and I want milk constantly.

The midwife aunties from the Royal Women’s Hospital came to visit today. They gave Mummy and Daddy schedules, reading materials, feeding charts, and milk volume targets. Everybody seems very organized.

I, however, remain emotionally unconvinced.

So this morning, at 3 a.m. in Melbourne, Dad and I started discussing Milk Optimization Theory. Dad’s a bit of a geek, so naturally he decided day four was a good time to teach me game theory.

We came up with three important concepts.

The first is the Milkman’s Dilemma.

This is when Baby wants milk immediately, all the time, but Mummy also needs rest and recovery so she can produce more milk later. If I cry every two seconds, everybody gets exhausted. But if Mummy and I cooperate, the milk system works better for everyone.

Dad says good systems happen when everybody works together.

The second concept is the Traveling Milkman Problem.

Dad explained this is about efficiency. In mathematics, there’s a famous problem where someone tries to visit many places using the shortest path possible. In my version, the goal is to get maximum milk with minimum chaos.

Less random crying. Less confusion. More optimized feeding routes.

Dad says this is called resource allocation.

The final concept is the Long Game.

Right now, I want milk instantly. But Dad says sometimes waiting a little allows the milk supply to replenish properly. Bigger wait, bigger reward.

This is called delayed gratification.

Apparently adults struggle with this too.

I still don’t fully understand these concepts. I am four days old.

But I look forward to milk-optimized days ahead.

Also, Mummy, I really appreciate you for rewarding me with milk.

I think we’re going to become a pretty good team.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have important screaming to do.